One and Done? Or Baby #2?

Ok new record, 3 posts in one week! Go me! :) This is a post I've wanted to write for awhile but just never got around to it and was unsure of how to say all of this. But here goes anyway...

I'm unsure if I want another child. There, I said it. I have many reasons, most of which many people don't understand. First, I'm terrified of having another miscarriage. If I have another one, this time I'll have a child and can't crawl into a hole for a few days like I did the first time. I was very, very sad, and understandably so. I don't want Andrew to have to suffer or see me in pain because of that. Second, It took us over a year to get pregnant the first time (then m/c), then a couple more months to get pregnant again. What if it takes that long again? Do I have it in me to keep my head up and be patient? Third, It took me having surgery to get pregnant. Do I REALLY want to have to go through that again? I actually told Corey that if it came down to it, I probably wouldn't have surgery again. Fourth, Can I deal with the all the anxiety I had when Andrew was first born (and for the first couple months after)? Thinking back to when Andrew was a newborn, ahhh, I was so anxious all the time. I HATE thinking back to how I felt at the time. It really stinks because of course that was just a small part of what was going on, but yet I seem to remember that most vividly. I feel like a bad mother because of that. Finally, could I love another child as much as I love Andrew? I know a lot of mothers probably have this thought, but it's true. Andrew is so special. He's my miracle. He is my first (and only, right now) child. How can another baby top that? I couldn't bear to not love another child as much. It just wouldn't be fair to him/her.

Honestly, for several months I was sure I did not want another child. Then the anxiety finally went away (most of it anyway), and I started to think that maybe I did want another child. I even got to the point of saying to Corey that maybe we would try THIS June - August for a Spring 2012 baby. Then I actually said it out loud and freaked myself out. So that idea is out the window. Ha!

So, where I stand right now, is that I'd be perfectly ok with having just Andrew. He makes me so happy, and he has fulfilled the biggest desire I've ever had. He has completely erased that year and a half (and even longer if you think about before we started TTC) where I longed for a baby more than anything else. All of the tears I cried, all the unknown, all the tests, the questions, etc. is all gone now thanks to my precious Andrew.

I'm sure that in a year or two, my desire will change. Especially as Andrew grows and becomes more independent. I'm also sure that when I hold my new niece (yes, my SIL is having her THIRD girl in July) I will probably miss having a newborn. If it were completely up to me, I could wait 3+ years to have another baby, however, Corey wants the 2nd and last child in just a couple years. He doesn't want to be "too old". He said he wants the 2nd child to graduate high school by the time he is retired. Since he wants to retire at 55, that gives me about 3 years to have this next child. YIKES.

So I guess writing this post was kinda pointless because you can see how back and forth I am with everything! :)